Pretend You Love Me
by storywriter360
Summary: AU. My story is filled with saddness, dissapointment, happiness, confusion, jealously, betrayal, love, heartbreak, and so much more. And I've only been alive for 18 years.This is the story of me, Ryan Attwood, as told through my eyes and how it really ha
1. Prolouge

Disclaimer: My name isn't Josh, so I don't own anything, except for the ideas in my head.

This isn't a story about pretty butterflies and candy canes and happy endings. This isn't a fairy tale that Walt Disney dreamed up and is very happy to share his story with the little children who idealize him and keep him alive in spirit. This is a story about the real world. A world full of lies, betrayal, sex, drugs, hate, love, and lust.

The real world isn't full of happy endings, nor is it full of the easy road to a life of complete and utter happiness. Why? Because it doesn't exist. It is not humanly possible to sustain happiness for an extended period of time.

Life is not a Disney movie where the princess gets her prince charming in the end, and the bad guy is forever unable to do evil again, until the sequel comes out. The truth is that in life, there are no happy endings. There are no second takes, or editing rooms that leave your screw-ups on the cutting room floor where no one can see them. It doesn't exist.

I learned that lesson at a young age, an age when most kids my age thought that bad stuff only happened on T.V. or in the movies. My life has been a dark journey, with spaces of light in between the darkness.

My story is filled with sadness, disappointment, happiness, confusion, jealously, betrayal, love, heartbreak, and so much more. (And I've only been alive for 18 years.)

You really want to know my story?

OK, you asked for it.

This is the story of me, Ryan Attwood, as told through my eyes and how it really happened.


	2. Hell Song

I've known Katy for as long as I can remember. She was an only child, and I had Trey, but most of the time I felt like I was also an only child. Our dads used to get high together, and my mom introduced her mom on the wonders of alcohol.

We lived next door to each other in Fresno, and I was always at her house, mainly because they kept the drugs and my house, and the booze at her house. Dad said that we always had to play at Katy's house so we didn't ruin his business. Our mother's were always too drunk to care that their pre-adolescent children had access to an unlimited amount of alcohol.

There was only one good lesson my parents ever taught me: Never get high or stoned, and drunk at the same time. My dad said that it's easier to get caught by cops if you were high and drunk at the same time. Now that I think about it, he was right.

Her dad got my dad into the wonders of drug dealing. My dad was the supplier (he was always never good with words), and her dad was the dealer (he was good with sweet talking people and threatening people). Together, they would sample the products and make money. My mother bought the wine, and her mom bought the hard liquor, and together they would drink. That's how life had been for as long as I could remember.

When Trey told me that dad had gotten arrested again, it didn't faze me. Dad had been arrested more times than I could count, mostly because I stopped counting.

"No dumbass, dad really got arrested." Trey told me again, more forcefully.

"Trey, I know. He's been arrested before." I answered. "I'm going to Katy's house."

"No Ryan, you don't get it! Dad's not coming back!" Trey yelled at me.

That stopped me clear in my tracks. I could tell that he was frustrated and wanted to cry, but I knew he wouldn't. He was, after all, an Atwood and

_Atwood men don't cry_.

I could hear my father's voice saying that as clear as day.

I slowly turned around. "What are you talking about Trey?" I quietly questioned him.

Trey sighed and pointed to the couch, signaling me to sit down. I knew that whatever had happened with my dad, it was serious. Trey was actually paying attention to me, and being nice to me.

I slowly walked over to the spot where Trey had pointed.

"Hurry up and sit down you little fucker, I got stuff to do." Trey said impatiently. OK, so he was paying attention to me.

I sat on the couch and waited as Trey told me the news.

"What did dad get arrested for Trey?" I asked.

"Armed robbery." Trey said. "And, Katy's dad shot someone and took off. They can't blame the shooting on dad, but he ain't coming out of the joint anytime soon."

I sat there, stunned. Sure, I knew that my dad wasn't a good guy; and yes, he did hit me, but he never hit me too hard.

Than wondered for a moment why my dad was robbing a store. It's not like we were in desperate need of money. I quickly shook that thought out of my mind.

Trey stood up and walked out towards the door. "I'm out."

I nodded at Trey to let him know that I heard him. Katy than crossed my mind.

"Katy! Katy! Where are you?" I yelled, searching for my best friend inside her small house.

"I'm here." Katy said quietly. I jumped, not expecting here to be so close.

"He's not coming back." She stated as if was a well-known fact.

"Neither is my dad. Not for a couple of decades, anyway. We'll be fine." I told her reassuringly.

Katy shook her head sadly. "No. He just called. He.. um.. he.. he's leaving to move somewhere that isn't here, and he's moving there by himself."

I felt a pang of pity for her and hugged her, tight. Katy hugged me right back. I could feel the tears in her eyes start to form. Her dad was the nicest dad I knew. I mean, he would only hit her mom, and he only used his hand.

We sat there for a couple minutes, hugging each other as if that would solve our problems.

I heard Katy's mom walking up towards the house. She didn't even look at Katy or me on the couch holding on to each other for dear life. Katy's mom decided to pass out in the kitchen instead of comforting her crying child. I at least thought that she would look at Katy and than look sad or something.

"Ryan? Ryan? Ryan Atwood, you come home right this instant!" I heard my mom drunkenly yell outside.

I turned apologetically to Katy.

"Sorry." I muttered. Katy wiped her tears and nodded in understanding.

"Ryan? Is that you baby?" My mom asked as I walked through the door and into our house.

"Yeah mom. It's me."

Mom ran up and grabbed me, pulling me into a tight hug. She reeked of more alcohol than I had ever smelt on her. It was an odd sort of comfort, knowing she was drunk. I liked her better drunk that when she's sober.

"I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry." She sobbed into my shoulder over and over again.

So I sat there, comforting my mom, on our living room floor. I wondered how much she ran up her bar tab trying to drown away her sorrows for a moment.

A couple hours later, Trey walked in. He was drunk and mom was still crying into my shoulder, muttering things that I couldn't understand anymore; words I stopped trying to understand when she stopped her apologies long ago. Trey stumbled past us, a look of disgust on his face.

"Jesus Christ, Ryan. Stop it." He slurred.

"Stop what?"

"Trying to comfort Dawn. You're 10 fucking years old for Christ's sake."

Mom started to sob louder when she heard Trey say that stuff.

"It's OK mom. I don't mind, really. Trey's just drunk, he doesn't know what he's saying." I tried to convince my mom.

I shot Trey a death glare. "It's fine Trey. Really. I don't mind." I told him.

Trey shook his head in disgust. "No, it's not OK." He said before stumbling back towards the room we share.

"10 fucking years old and he's more responsible most adults. It just ain't right." I heard Trey mumble before he passed out in the hallway.

I turned my attention back to my mother, still sobbing in my arms. I was still trying to reassure her that I wanted to comfort her, and that I didn't feel obligated to comfort her.

I glanced towards Katy's house.

I knew that things were going to get better.

They had to


	3. Home

Home, Sweet, Home. At least for now it is. I still can't believe that my mom made us move to Chino. Chino. The name wasn't pretty or inviting. Chino reminded me of some of the drug dealers that hung around the middle school. Chino has our new house, not home because home is in Fresno.

Fresno. Home. I still can't fucking believe that mom made us move here. My best friend is hundreds of miles away in the only place I've ever lived. Trey was pretty pissed about the move. Hell, he's still pissed about the move.

Mom decided it would be best if we moved out of Fresno and got a fresh start. I look up at the house, a small box in my arms containing everything I own inside it.

"Here it is. Home, Sweet, Home." Mom said, trying to convince us (and herself) that the house really was not all that bad.

Trey looked up at the house in disgust. "It's a piece of crap."

For once in my life, the need to defend one of mom's actions was gone. Even I couldn't deny it; the house looked like shit. Mom looked over at me with insecure eyes, hoping for my approval. I gave her a small smile, the biggest I could muster.

"Ryan likes it." My mother said smugly to Trey.

"Actually, it is a piece of shit." I mutter to myself before walking into the house. Of course, my mother didn't hear me. She seemed to be doing that more and more these days.

I walked into the house and look around at the bare surroundings. A living room, a kitchen, and 2 bedrooms. Great, I'm going to be sharing a room with Trey. I glance over at Trey and realized that he has the same realization and from his reaction I can tell that he thought we was going to get his own room this time.

It's not that I don't love my brother, it's just that ever since he turned 13 and became a "man", he's just been getting harder and harder to get along with. That's saying a lot considering I didn't really see him all that much since dad got arrested for armed robbery.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Writing another letter to Katy?" Trey said mockingly. He was leaning against the doorframe with a look on his face that I knew meant trouble.

"I haven't written her since we moved here." I replied defensively.

"Took you 3 days, huh? Bet she will be real happy to hear from her. Juvie sucks"

"I bet."

"Can't believe her own mom ratted her out to save her own ass"

"Me too"

Trey studied me carefully for a few moments.

"What?" I ask, slightly annoyed.

" Happy birthday." He said and walked away.

Is it really my birthday? I look at the pin up calendar Trey's best friend form Fresno gave him. Huh. It is my birthday. I can't believe I'd forgotten my 11th birthday. Wait, Trey remembered? He actually remembered my birthday? I had expected him to forget, like mom had. Katy had been the only one who had ever remembered my birthday. A small smirk played on my lips. I can't believe Trey remembered my birthday.

"Ryan! Get your ass out here." Trey yelled at me from the living room.

I quickly wiped the smile from my lips. There was no way in hell that I would ever let Trey know that I was touched by weakness. After all:

_Atwood men don't show weakness._

Funny how I don't miss my father and his beatings as much as I thought I would. Well, I don't miss my father as much as I thought I would.

"What?" I yell back as I enter the living room.

Trey held out a cigarette for me. "Happy 11th birthday Ryan."

I looked at Trey skeptically. "What's the catch?"

Trey scowled. "The fucking catch is that I'm actually being nice to you. So take the fucking cigarette so I can teach you how to smoke you ungrateful little fucker"

I took the cigarette and followed Trey's instructions on how to correctly smoke a cigarette. Following a violent coughing fit, I threw down the cigarette and scowled at Trey.

"What the fuck Trey?" I demanded.

Calming down from his mini laughing fit, Trey replied," It's your birthday present"

"My birthday present is learning how to smoke?"

"Yep." He said before starting to walk out of the house and disappear again.

Sometimes I wished I knew where he goes when he leaves the house. A thought suddenly crossed my mind.

"Trey, why do you smoke?" I asked.

Trey stopped and turned around. "It relaxes me"

I gave Trey a confused look. What exactly could be so stressful that Trey would need to inhale the disgusting fumes. Just than my mother stumbled in the house, threw up on Trey's shoes, and proceeded to pass out on the couch. I looked at the clock. 3pm. I suddenly understood Trey's statement.


	4. It's Not Easy Being Green

It didn't take long for me to learn how to properly fight. Apparently being a new kid isn't something to look forward to.

I was walking to the grocery store a week after we moved in. Trey needed cigarettes, mom needed booze and I needed food. Unfortunately, when I went to pay for the booze and the food, I realized that I didn't have enough money to pay for everything. I just figured that I would either give the cashier a look to take pity on me or steal what food I couldn't buy. Katy always told me that my eyes expressed everything when I needed them too. Besides, what kind of person wouldn't let a young boy buy food because he didn't have enough money? When I went to pay, the cashier gave me a weird look before telling me that I was too young to buy the booze.

I gave her a confused look. "What?"

"You're too young kid. What are you, 6?"

"No, I'm 11." I responded, a little surprised and offended.

"You have to be 21."

"I'm going to be drinking it. My mom will." Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a few other kids my age snickering.

"Kid, I can't sell this to you. You have to be 21 to buy booze, and there is no way that you are 21."

I sighed. This short little trip to the grocery store was turning into a long little trip to the grocery store. "Look, we're out of booze at my house, and I don't want my mom to wake up and discover this little fact. I promise I won't drink it. Scout's honor." I promised while giving her my best puppy dog eyes.

The cashier gave me a look with an emotion I couldn't identify. "OK, but just this one time, and if I get caught, than pretend that you stole it, deal?"

I nodded my head. "Deal."

Walking out of the store, the kids I saw out of the corner of my eye earlier were suddenly in my way.

"Who are you?" The oldest looking boy asked me.

"Why?"

"Because I don't know you, and I know everybody."

I eyed the 5 boys wearily, remembering what Trey had told me when we first moved into the neighborhood.

_Don't trust anybody, don't befriend anybody, and don't talk to anybody._

_Why?_

_Because we're the new kids you dumbfuck and they're going to want to break us in._

_What does that mean?_

_It means that you better know how to fight._

Trey showed me a few moves before he disappeared outside. _Remember,_ he said before slamming the front door shut, _always throw the first punch._

The older looking boy waved his hand in front of me. "Hey kid, did you hear me? I want your name."

I tried to ignore the guys and keep on walking. They didn't like my response very much.

Standing in front of me again, the oldest looking kid looked really angry. I knew that look. That was the look that dad would give me right before he would hit me extra hard. Knowing what was about to happen, I carefully put down the groceries a safe distance behind me and walked right up to the kid who appeared to be the leader of the group. The gang was closely watching my moves, curious as to what I would do next.

Walking slowly and calmly up to the leader, gave him my best smirk and swung the best left hook I could muster. "The name's Ryan." I said.

The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital with the cashier from earlier standing at the window but staring at me. I started to sit up to give the cashier and my new temporary residence a once over, but a sharp pain in my chest made me immediately lie back down.

"You've got quite a list of injuries there, Ryan Atwood."

"How do you know my name?"

"Your brother."

"How do you know my brother?"

"You're brother is the one who saved you from being beaten to death and brought you here."

"Trey's here?"

The cashier nodded. "Yeah."

"Where is he?"

"Talking to the doctor, I guess."

I sighed and rubbed my temple. I could only imagine the headache I was going to get from my brother for not fighting back enough and from my mom for fighting in the first place.

The cashier rushed to my side. "You OK kid? Should I call the doctor?"

I shook my head, quickly realizing that was a bad choice of actions. "No, just thinking about my future headache."

The cashier put a questioning look on her face. "Future headache?"

"You never told me your name." I said, changing the subject.

"It's Cassie." I almost jumped out of my skin when the response came for the doorway instead of beside my bed. "And you should thank her, she saved your life."

"No I didn't."

"Don't be modest Cassie, you saved Ryan's life. Thanks." Trey turned to face me with an angry look on his face. "We got to go Ryan. No insurance."

I started to nod, but than remembered that moving my head that much wasn't a good idea.

"OK."

Cassie didn't say anything, but she looked pretty pissed.

Cassie and Trey helped me back to my room. Lying down on my bed, I instantly fell asleep. Dreaming of my life back in Fresno with Katy, I unconsciously preyed that Katy would come to live in Chino with me and that we would live happily ever after (strictly as friends, of course). My happy dream was interrupted by my mother's giggling and a stranger's low voice making some sort of noise. I looked over at Trey's bed to see if he was still awake. His bed was empty.

_How the hell did he make friends so quickly? He's not a people person_, I silently wondered.

Suddenly, by door flew open and my mother fell on the ground with some strange guy on top of her.

"Mom, are you OK?" I tried to quickly sit up, but the sharp pain once again reminded me that wasn't a good idea.

Mom looked up at me first, than took a look around the room. "Oops," she giggled, "this isn't my room."

"Mom?'

"Yes baby?" She slurred.

"Who's the guy on top of you?" I tried to keep the panic out of my voice.

"Who Him? This, baby, this is Carl." She replied in a dreamy voice.

"Hi." He slurred.

_Great, another drunk_.

My mom and Carl started to make out.

"Mom!"

"I'm sorry baby. Maybe we should take this to my room Carl, and let the boy sleep."

Carl and my mom got up and stumbled out of the room.

"Mom?" I called.

"Yeah?"

"You shouldn't be kissing that guy. What about when dad comes home?"

Mom snorted. "Ryan that no good bastard of a father is never coming home. Carl will be your new dad now. And don't think I didn't notice that the booze money has disappeared."

"But."

"No buts." She interrupted. "Your grounded to your room for the next 2 week."

With my punishment said, my mom slammed the door shut and went to Carl. I got used to her not noticing my bruises and broken bones, or not saying anything when I was clearly in pain, but I never could get used to the noise coming from my mother's room in the middle of her drunken nights.


End file.
